"Fat to Fittie"

Because of the arthritis in my hips, exercise is pretty limited and the only thing I can really do is swim. As anyone who doesn’t go to the pool on a regular basis knows, it’s pretty bloody boring. Not much to do but watch people, as you continuously paddle up and down, length after length, trying to think about what you’re going to have for your tea. There’s also the odd bet you make to yourself, like deciding if the guy dragging his swimming shorts out of his arse as he climbs from the pool is going to sniff his fingers. To relieve the boredom, I decided to do a virtual challenge, something to motivate me. If you’ve not heard of them, you basically walk, cycle or swim a particular route on-line, entering your progress as you go. There are a few popular walks to choose from, I decided on Hadrian’s wall. not only was it the perfect length, 90 miles. But I had also walked it with my two sons when they were younger, so thought it would be kind of nice to re-visit it, even if only virtually.

Once you sign up, you get access to your route in an app and can monitor the progress and actually see where you are by clicking on street view. When I actually walked the route for real with my boys, I have to say the first two miles were not great. All we saw was the same three things, graffiti, broken glass and dog shit. As at my first swim I only managed half a mile, I was able to view the same footpath and was comforted to see that the walk as I remembered it, hadn’t changed a bit. currently, I’m 10 miles in, on the outskirts of Newcastle at a place called Scotswood. I realise it’s going to take me a long time to complete, sometime in November is my guess, but at the end, I get a lovely shiny medal and who doesn’t want that? Can’t beat a pat on the head and a reward to display to family and friends. It’s what kept Muttley going in a cartoon of my youth, (those of you under 35 may need to google it).

I’m sure once finished, I’ll be signing up for another challenge, the lure of the medal too great, but which one? There is an English channel option, can you imagine trying to do that in real time, 1,352 lengths, perhaps not. It did get me thinking though, how can it possibly have street view? I tried to imagine some guy went across in a small boat, how good would that be, a virtual swim of the channel. The odd turd floating past, a friendly dolphin or seal, P and O ferry, small fishing boat, maybe even somebody actually swimming it for real. It would of course depend when the guy from Google went out on his little boat, if it was 10 years ago, then that’s about all you’d catch a glimpse of. If however he’d done it in the last couple of years, you’re more likely to see a small flotilla of rubber dinghy’s bouncing across the waves towards Britain, steered by a guy with as much chance of winning a medal, as I have of arriving home to find Cameron Diaz doing my ironing.