"Fat to Fittie"

Probably the only time I see myself in a mirror is when I go swimming and last week I had a proper look at my arse. What the frig happened, when did it start to look like that? I remember reading somewhere that most women hate their bum, especially when they put on weight, they said it was the first thing they noticed about getting fat. What are they talking about, the first thing I notice is the enlarged belly, then the two chins and the boobs. It really wasn’t until the other day when I saw that it wasn’t looking as pert as it once was, that I realised they may have been right all along. Okay, pert may not be the best description, but it certainly looked better than it does right now. Over the years I’ve had many a compliment from women saying what a nice bum I had, they certainly wouldn’t think that now. I’m considering changing my blog title, “Fat to fantastic arse” has a better sound.

So what’s my plan to literally, get it back into shape? Well, I’ve been doing some research, obviously exercise is a huge part of the comeback regime, but so is massage. For the last few years as part of my wellness, I have been having regular treatment from a wonderful masseuse, who does give me the odd glute rub, due to my failing hips and trapped nerves. It did make me think though, on a professional level, she might have mentioned something along the lines, “just thought I should tell you Keith, your arse is looking a bit of a disgrace”. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll be pleased to know that I’ve downloaded a video on how to get the perfect bum, which I’m going to send her in readiness for my up coming massage, I bet she can’t wait. Watch this space, not only will I be 3 stone lighter by Sept, but I’ll have an arse you can crack walnuts with.

NB: The word “Arse” is a very British word, which fundamentally is used to describe the rear of a person on which they sit. It also however has many other variations. It can mean a feeling of not being happy, “I’m in a right arse”. Or is a term asking someone to move, “shift your arse”. It can also be used as a request to leave the premises, by telling them to “get you’re arse out of here” or “arse off”, but that can also mean that they are wrong in a statement they’ve given, “You think that what you said is right? you can arse off”. A shortened version of this is “my arse”. You can also use it in verb form to say that you are too tired to do something by stating, “I can’t be arsed” and to ask someone to refrain from messing around by asking, “stop arsing about”. As you can see the word is something that has many uses and one that we in Britain are very proud of.

The alternative word to Arse is Ass and derived from the American variation. This also means the thing you sit on and a type of inferior donkey, which in Britain is used to describe a stupid person. For some reason the entire English speaking section of the world uses ass, which makes anyone in Britain, very happy, because arse is ours.

On a final note, I was going to put up an image of a real crinkly bottom, but there was the danger someone would think it was actually mine, at least with the pic I chose, there can be no doubt.