"Fat to Fittie"

As I’ve been self employed most of my life, I’ve never experienced the office Christmas party, that doesn’t mean I have no idea what they’re like. Loved by some, despised by others, it can be the pinnacle that defines the festive get together or as in many cases, the beginning of the termination of their employment. Over indulging is said to be the biggest problem and the obvious first rule is forgot by many, don’t have too much to drink and make a tit out of yourself. For some reason being taken out of your comfort zone and placed with your work colleagues in a different environment, makes us behave differently and let our guard down, add to that the free bar and basically you’re screwed. The problem in modern times of course is the smart phone, where in the past the rule of “what happens at the party, stays at the party”, may have been true, but nowadays phones are whipped out at every possible embarrassing moment and almost immediately uploaded to various social media sites. Waking up the morning after, now comes with more than a headache, the dreaded moment as you reach for your phone and dare to log on to see what you and everyone else got up to.

This is where the fall outs begin, what seemed like a great night at the time, can result in complete carnage the next day, “take that down, can’t believe you posted it”, is the most popular comment, closely followed by “It’s not even me, I was wearing something different”. Then someone loads a picture, showing your face wearing the same clothes as the one where they can only see your arse, trousers round your ankles, but clearly it’s the same pink shirt. Gone are the days of sitting on the photocopier, like everything else from the past, ruined by technology and the aspiration of people to load others embarrassing moments for likes and followers.

As well as getting pissed and looking stupid, the next top event at a Christmas party has to be the fumbled intercourse in the toilet cubicle or cupboard. Again the difference between then and now is the mobile phone. Instead of everyone just talking about it for the next week around the water cooler (sorry, that was for the Americans who read my blogs). Rather than discussing openly in the office for the next month about who was shagging at the party, you’ll now be able to relieve the grunts and groans through the medium of What’s app, particularly handy if you’re all on a group chat. I think it’s probably best to say that in these modern times, the office party is on the decline, mostly for the reasons I’ve given here, but also because hardly anyone works in an office now, preferring to sit at home on a zoom call Instead. As anyone that’s taken part in one will attest, smart attire above, but naked from the waste down, or at the very least, wearing the comedy pants someone gave you in secret Santa that say “Open wide” on the back. Guess this will make future Christmas group chats more interesting as you get up to go to the toilet.