"Fat to Fittie"

I don’t think for one minute that a kid will be reading my blogs and I sincerely hope not after some of the thing’s I’ve written, but for the benefit of it being a possibility, I’m not going to be the one to destroy a childhood. The mystery of Santa is something us adults still don’t understand and because of this, are never quite sure what to say when questioned on him. Obviously there’s only one of the man himself and all the rest are helpers, some better than others, If you’re gonna take on the role, best to have your own beard, nothing says shit Santa more than a shiny synthetic fibre lump hanging off your face. kids have learnt to recognise this, only the other day my eight year old granddaughter remarked how she knew if he was real by the quality of his beard, thankfully my friend who was coming to help out has his own and a bit of added white greasepaint, soon had him looking the part.

I’ve played the great man a few times and as I’ve never had a real beard, must have been one of the crap ones. When my boys were young I tried to convince them that Santa had called, by filming him, as you know, he’s not stupid and turned the camera round, all I got was his hand eating the mince pie we’d left him and drinking the port. As we watched it back the next day, it looked like he’d just wrapped a red hat with fur on, round his wrist, I was going to mention it but thought it best not to. Apparently it was that video that gave the game away a couple of years later when it was noted that Santa had the same scar as me and his sausage fingers also bared a resemblance. The lies we tell when you think about it are horrendous, paving the way for our children’s future, by teaching them it’s okay for the whole world to conspire in making sure that kids behave themselves or face the wrath of disappointment and misery.

He’s not even a great role model, hugely overweight, it always makes me wonder why Slimming world use his image on Christmas literature, for the rest of the year they may as well have Peter Griffin as a mascot, what they need is an image of Santa stretching out his oversized waistband, sticking his thumb up. The thought of him eating and drinking in every single house is disturbing, when creating the myth, who thought this was ever a good idea to add to his backstory. It’s interesting to hear how parent’s deal with it when asked to explain his bottomless stomach, “You see he has this attachment to him like a colostomy bag and you know how his sack is magic and he can just keep pulling presents out”? “Yes dad”, “well it works just like that”. Kids going to school the next day telling their friends, “Santa just keeps pooing and it disappears in a sack”. That’s the problem with lying, the more you tell, the bigger it gets, Merry Christmas.