"Fat to Fittie"

And so we begin the year in exactly the same way as the last one, by making promises to lose weight, live healthier, eat less shit, drink no alcohol for 30 days and exercise more, the strange period when the gyms are full, pubs are empty and the supermarket shelves are filled with Slimfast shakes, cereal bars and healthy microwave meals for one. Slimming World membership reaches a peak around the 12th as does the sale of lycra shorts and crop top vests donned by men and women around the country, squeezing their excess pounds into them. Before we get to this though, we’ve had to experience the time between Christmas and New year known as “Crimbo limbo”. A few days spent in a Zombie like coma, hovering between life and death where nothing seems to make sense, like answering the door in a t-shirt and boxers and the postman asks, “You alright mate”? “Yeah, what day is it”?

It’s highly likely that this time of the festive coma, is probably the reason we fall into our strange lazy habits, thinking nothing of spending the day in pj’s, eating weird left overs we’ve crafted into meals that we would never have at any other time. Every TV magazine show seems to have an idea of what to do with them, like sprouts baked with blue cheese and Christmas pudding, sprinkled with Ferro Roche, or pork pie roasted with satsumas, smoked salmon and mint matchmakers. Of course the TV chefs are always looking for a different recipe for the turkey, well how about this for an idea, just buy one big enough for the meal and a bit left over for sarnies on boxing day, like you do with a chicken every Sunday dinner, it’s not rocket science. As well as eating all the leftovers and finishing off the half empty bottles of booze at anytime of day, like we did in lockdown, the worst damage we do to our bodies is the lack of mobility. We try to venture out but there’s no motivation, in the past we had the lure of cheap items in the sales, which helped lift our arse of the couch, today we can just go on-line and buy everything up, even the trip to the travel agents to give us something to look forward to has changed, with the best offers now only available on the net.

Let’s be honest, there’s not a lot to get us going in the first month, it’s cold and miserable, everyone’s skint, depression looms like a huge cloud, with calls to divorce lawyers at a high. We’re made to feel guilty if we don’t give up alcohol, then to make it worse, some tit decides to call it Veganuary and tells us to only eat plants for a month. Apart from one of these muppets, the next worse person you can encounter in January is the diet advisor, who can’t wait to tell you about theirs’s and how good it is, more often than not they’re following the keto or Atkins and are the most boring people to speak to, they’re also usually fat, because the regime they’re following is bollocks and clearly doesn’t work, but that doesn’t stop them banging on about it. Like 90% of the country, I will be pledging to take better care of myself in 2025, but my main resolution is not to give up, statistically, most people pack in whatever they promised, after only 18 days, with only 36% getting past January and only 9% doing the whole year. Well I can assure you, I will be in that 9%, I literally have no choice.

I have been really crap lately, something I’m going to write about in the next blog, but I’m pretty confident about getting back swimming. Drinking less alcohol is also something I should be okay with, won’t lie, not had a day off it for about 12 weeks, but I’m confident that I can do a few without, no, my problem is food and one item in particular, the sausage roll. As I’ve mentioned many times, I’m not a big chocolate fan, but I love savoury, in particular crisps and the meat/pastry treat. Whenever I spot one I have to get it, though let me add not the supermarket, pre packed crap made with donkey testicles, I’m talking about the fresh baked at a deli or butchers, it’s almost an impossibility to walk past. A few weeks ago I was visiting a friend in a lovely little market town, as we walked down the street, I smelt them before I saw, despite only just having breakfast, it was destined as pocket meat for the drive home the next day. Clearly I need to cut down drastically, but whilst everything else I’m planning is for the next 12 months, there’s no way I could manage that long without eating one and neither do I want to, the problem is coming up with a realistic abstinence.

Another promise I’ve made myself is to write a blog and do a podcast every week, I had wanted to start last Friday, but like most of the country, I’ve been a bit poorly, chesty crap cough and feeling tired, yes I realise part of that is the effects of high food and alcohol consumption, but I just couldn’t summon the energy, my plan is still on track though. I’ve just worked out that there are 50 Friday’s before Christmas so that’s the idea, to launch both on that day. To be honest, it’s probably worked out okay, I couldn’t really have started the detox earlier, as I’d bought so much shit before Christmas, I’m still working my way through it and it’s not my intention to do dry January, though I will be cutting down significantly, so I won’t be among the boring, “Just a lime and soda for me” drainers. I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank you for supporting me the past year and ask if you could continue and help by reading, liking and sharing my ramblings and to download the podcast.

I’d like though to end this blog on a slightly different note, by making a prediction for the next 12 months. There’ve been a lot of issues in the news lately, one of which is the heating costs, particularly concerning the elderly, though I have to say it’s not effecting my mother, every time I pop round, I have to be in shorts or my body can’t take the heat. She sits there wrapped in blankets, fire on, radiators on, complaining how cold it is, for the past week she’s taken pleasure in the fact that it’s freezing, apparently when we have more than 7 days of below minus, she gets a 25 quid payment from the government. Doesn’t seem to enter her head that this drop in temperature has cost her at least 50 quid, which means she’s down 25 on the deal. It’s not a great time for many of our elderly though, not all are as fortunate as my mother, I predict that the title of my rambling’s in twelve months will be very similar to this one, just change the “s” for a “v” …………Happy new year!