"Fat to Fittie"

When you’re disabled, even the simplest task can cause issues and there are some jobs that I put off as long as possible, cutting the hedge is one. Paying someone to do it isn’t an option, over 300 quid was the quote two years ago, god knows what it is now, so like any tight Yorkshireman, I do it myself, even though I’m crippled and it’s huge. Last year the top didn’t get done, as there was no way I could climb up the step ladders, so I thought it was time to invest in a long hedge trimmer, cheaper than paying a professional, what I hadn’t prepared myself for, was the catalogue of incidents that was about to unfold during my hedge trimming mission.

Firstly, it was heavier than I’d anticipated and even though it had a neck strap for support, I knew I was going to struggle, especially with my torn shoulder and recently injured tennis elbow. Setting up the extension cable took at least 10 minutes, passing it over and through many obstacles, then after dragging out the green bin, grass rake, brush and hedge cutter, I was ready to start. Because of safety reasons, I was barefoot, much better to keep my balance and less chance of tripping over, the slightest sudden stop can literally put me on my arse. The obvious problem was what to do with the walking stick, standing still using the cutter is fine, but to take the smallest step holding it would be impossible without some sort of support. I first tried holding it parallel with the pole, but that didn’t seem to work so well, then I tried putting it under my arm, but as I lifted to cut, it fell out, the best option seemed to try and hang the stick on one of the branches I was trying to cut. Looking back now, I should have put a piece of string around my grabber, hung it on my shoulder, thrown the stick on the floor and just used the grabber to pick it up every time, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

In reality I actually dropped the stick six times, three of those I asked a passer-by to pick it up for me, twice I managed to use the grass rake and the last time I just f*****g left it cos I’d had enough! During my hour long battle with the green bastard, the cutter plug fell out at least a dozen times, clearly a design fault that can only be rectified by taping it in place next time, believe me I tried everything, including wrapping it around the handle and trying to trap it under my arm, which just had the same effect as when I tried it with the stick. You’re probably wondering how I picked the lead up, well that’s where the stick came in, I turned it round and used the handle to hook it, that was after I’d used the rubber end to drag it over my toe to make a gap, like everything in life, there’s always a way, you just have to find it.

The last part of the hedge is on a public footpath, so I had to make sure it was cleared pretty quick, nothing worse than a bit of pressure to make you take your eye of the ball, it was here that I didn’t look where I was going and stood on one of the few thorn branches that grow within. I tried to use the handle of the walking stick to knock it out, but just made it worse, the only answer was to hobble toward my car and try to remove the painful prick, which is fine if your legs bend okay, but mine don’t, cue ten minutes of struggle to try and find a position to get my leg into and pull it out. I won’t lie, I’d about had enough at this point when my son turned up, I was secretly hoping he might see me struggling and help, but no, instead he jumps in the car, offering as he leaves some helpful advice, “You need to move somewhere smaller dad, like a bungalow”. As I watched him drive away I had the exact answer to his suggestion in my head, but decided that it didn’t actually need saying out loud, just like I don’t have to write it here, you know exactly what I was thinking!