"Fat to Fittie"

If you read my last blog, you’ll know I’m in the middle of a swimming challenge, to paddle the equivalent of the English channel in seven weeks, currently it’s going okay, but the biggest problem is still the boredom. It takes me 90 minutes to do the 36 lengths and as you can imagine, there’s not much you can do to help the time fly, the waterproof headphones have given a bit of hope to reaching the end, though I lose an hour of my life every time I attempt to convert the songs to MP3. There’s also a downside to using them, in that sometimes you get the odd urge to sing along, especially when it’s Elvis belting out Suspicious minds, apart from looking a tit, swimming up and down warbling “We can’t go on together”, even in the quietist pool, there’s always a bit of a wave, which usually results in a mouthful of water, followed by a bit of choking.

Normally I do okay with the old water swallowing, most of the time I manage to keep my mouth shut, just have to get used to not singing, but it did get me thinking about what’s floating around in the pool, I know it’s best not to give it a second thought, but like I said, time is definately on your hands and the mind wanders. I get some relief seeing the lifeguards check the water quite often and presume should they find a trace of something that shouldn’t be there, then chemicals are quickly added, but I guess that’s the same as expecting when you were a teenager and your mum saw you through the window masturbating over the Freeman’s catalogue, that she wouldn’t tell anyone, it sounds good on paper, but you know full well that the moment she gets the chance, all her friends will hear about your latest encounter. I guess what I’m trying to say is, when someone urinates in the pool, it’s lingering around for quite a while.

Let me make a statement, this is definately something I’ve never done, peeing in public is absolutely not for me, I’ve always struggled to go when anyone’s near, let alone a pool full of people, plus I don’t need to go, why would I, apart from the odd mouthful when singing along, I’m not drinking anything, I do however see lots of what I’d call serious swimmers having a good glug of water from their massive “look at me” cup at the side of the pool, always makes me think, where’s that going? Yeah, very likely exactly where I’m swimming, guilty by the lack of times they actually don’t get out of the water. I remember Rebecca Adlington the Olympic gold medallist once admitting to peeing while swimming, adding that all professional swimmers do it. I guess that explains the odd bit of warm water I feel as I swim by someone, trying to look for the culprit is another game and passes a few minutes, is it the old woman with the look of relief, or the guy with a smug grin, maybe both, but one things for sure, one of them just went in the pool.

Now whilst I’m not joining in the urinate whilst swimming club, there’s no denying that it catches up with me when I get out. If ever there’s a time for being grateful that I’m disabled, this is it. I get to use a room dedicated to people with mobility issues, which means it has it’s own toilet and shower and boy do I need them. If you’ve ever changed a baby boy, you’ll know exactly what I’m taking about, the moment you take the nappy off, he pees a huge stream that goes on for ages, well it’s the same for me after swimming, the second my shorts are off, it’s like a police horse at the end of trooping the colour. Where has all that come from and why didn’t it bother me earlier, it’s a mystery I will never solve and is like I drank half the pool. I’d thought maybe it was an age thing, I can’t remember being like this in my youth, but I guess it’s better than doing a Rebecca.