"Fat to Fittie"

My last blog addressed urinating in the pool and the fact that some people defiantly release and are proud to admit it and whilst this is probably top of the list when it comes to things you shouldn’t do in a swimming pool, there are clearly many others. Etiquette and consideration for your fellow swimmers, plays a big part and it’s important you know the rules. Anyone who grew up in the 70’s will remember a certain poster that hung in every pool, telling us what not to do, with the help of cartoons. These included things like, running, pushing, gymnastics, shouting, ducking and bombing, (the well practised teenage tradition of leaping in the air, curling into a ball and smashing into the water as close to someone as you could). A testament to the time also included smoking, but the one that caused most merriment was the forbidden act of “heavy petting”. What constituted “heavy” was always in question, you were allowed to affectionately put an arm around your girlfriend without causing an issue and the odd quick kiss was okay, but if you were caught trying to put your hand on her breast, then an early walk to the lockers was on the cards, Of course for any young teenage boy, this was hard to resist, it was always the goal to get her on a date to the baths, stuff the cinema and a burger at Wimpy, persuading your girlfriend to come swimming was the ultimate goal. Seeing her in that bikini top for the first time usually caused something to stir and if you were caught showing any sort of appreciation, then you ended up talking to yourself form the spectators balcony, watching your date flirting with the boys who had more control, a hard lesson in growing up and a reminder of how fickle women can be.

I’d love to design a modern poster that deals with the issues of today, whilst some of the old no no’s still exist, the way we live now has given us the need for more inclusions. The first that needs adding is a picture of someone with a finger to the side of their nose under the heading “Mind your business”. In this modern world, people are too quick to offer advice and opinions, because of the internet they think they know everything and if they don’t, they can soon google it. The swimming pool is not the place to pass on your worldly knowledge, many that come have issues, be it lack of confidence, low esteem and a fear of being semi naked in front of others, especially when you’re not as slim as you used to be. For some people, it’s taken them a lot of building up to get in the pool, where once in the water, you can see how much they’re enjoying it, but there’s always one though who seems to know better when it comes to what’s best for you. I have to enter the water backwards down the steps, it’s just the way my hips work, the pain going forwards on them is horrendous, I know because that’s they way I first tried, there’s something about the angle and railing that makes it hurt, so when entering I walk down in reverse. I don’t bother anyone, because I’m slow I allow others to go first, what has it got to do with anyone how I enter the water? Well apparently some woman knew better and mentioned it was easier to go forwards, “I don’t know why you go down backwards”, she insisted “It’s much easier to go forward”. There were many answers that flashed through my head as I descended, three of them would probably have got me banned, two were clearly not appropriate so she got the only one I could get away with, “But then I’d have to look at you”, at least her friends laughed.

The next thing on the sign is an easy one, a problem that I’m sure didn’t exist in the 70’s, but as many more people are now going to the pool for fitness as well as fun, we have lane swimming. The idea is there are three lanes divided by floats and categorized as fast, Medium and Slow, the title on the sign should be “Choose your correct lane” accompanied by a picture of a swimmer with steam coming out of their ears, looking really angry. I don’t think there’s anything that causes more stress than people who don’t swim in the right lane, for obvious reasons, I’m in the slow lane, absolutely no way will I ever graduate to medium, in football terms, I’m stuck in League one forever, however, there are those who swim here with me, that should be in the championship, why they don’t want to go up is beyond me. The whole swim is spent constantly overtaking people, I feel like shouting “Why the f**k don’t you just go in the next lane, are you scared that you’ll look a git because you might get overtook”? Of course I don’t say this because nobody ever says anything, they just get on with it. The other day I saw the exact opposite, a woman was in the slow lane with one of those paddle boards, kicking her legs like she was trying to slide a wetsuit off, never seen so much water splashing. As for speed, she should have been in League two, all the swimmers were furious, but nobody said anything, it got to the point where it was entertaining me and something to watch, slowly one by one they gave up and got out, a couple joined the Premier league, but clearly like Luton, were destined for immediate relegation. It’s a problem many people have, worrying that they might not look good if they keep getting overtook, choosing instead to be the bigger fish in a much slower part of the pool, there is a word for them beginning and ending with T and it’s not trout or tyrant!

I like to think that growing up in the 70’s were happy times, just because we had no internet or mobile phones, doesn’t mean we didn’t have fun, even power cuts, food shortage, queue’s, Jimmy Saville or rickets, didn’t stop us enjoying ourselves. Of course there were a few who moaned, mostly old people who grew up during the war when you could apparently leave your door un-locked, but they were never rude. Thankfully, the pool that I swim at most of the time is friendly, or at least the times I go. I’ve heard the early morning swimmers are very focused and not up for chat, just turn up, do their lengths and sod off. I get that, not everyone wants to talk and say hello or as it should be known as, “being polite”, but there’s no need for rudeness either. My final addition to the new poster is a picture of a miserable angry face with a large cross through, accompanied by the words, “Don’t be a git”. This direction covers many thing’s, but basically means, just be nice, there’s never an excuse for being rude, but especially in the swimming pool, being considerate for others is a must, but especially when we’re at our most vulnerable. The other week there was a vile woman in the water, I won’t go into what happened, it doesn’t matter, but just rude and angry, she had the face of someone who had probably been a magistrate, very likely still is, the sort of person who has no actual understanding of the world they live in and spends all their spare time arranging flowers in the conservatory. It would be fantastic to think that she would be asked by a life guard to go and get changed for breaking one of the rules, hopefully she came with a friend and has to wait in the spectators area, even better if she has to sit next to the teenage boy still trying to hide his erection!