"Fat to Fittie"

There are two types of people in the world, those that do their Christmas shopping in January and those that do it on the 24th December, actually, scrap that, cos I’m neither. I’d like to think that my approach is sensible, usually making a start in September, putting some thought into what to get people and slowly but surely, buy the items. What sort of mentalist gets everything in January, I’ll tell you, a tight one, they only do it because of the sales to get things cheaper. As you get older this can be a false economy, the chances on your friends and family making it through a whole year get slimmer. I guess that’s where clever purchasing comes in, buy something you can give to others, should the intended participant shuffle off.

At he other end of the scale you have the nob ed who literally can’t be arsed, the sort of guy who leaves everything to his missus to do, usually the typical male chauvinist. “Sorry love, I’m too busy with work to sort out all the decorations, food ordering, present buying for the kids, going to school nativities, organising relatives, going to see Santa,” but yet he still finds time to make the office party and stick his arse on the photocopier, because someone’s turned the heating down so he won’t go for the frontal. This is the sort of guy who thinks it’s cool and funny to do all his present buying on Christmas eve, believe me, I’ve seen them, even drank with them, listening to their “she’ll love anything I get her” speech. I would have given anything to be there on Christmas morning as he handed over the hairdryer and tong set that had been knocked down from fourteen pounds ninety nine.

I’m old enough to remember the stress from kids wanting Buzz lightyear, the must have toy that was sold out everywhere and parents were willing to kill for. I was so skint that year, first Christmas on my own with the two boys, the eldest of which was only three and I’d took to see Toy Story. On the way home I watched him in the Disney store playing with the same doll he’d just seen on the big screen, call it intuition, but I had a feeling they were going to be popular that year, so I applied for a loan of a hundred quid, had to pay back one twenty, but that’s okay. The days were counting down, Buzz was getting less and less all over the country and I’m still waiting for approval, I needed to borrow this fast and thankfully my mother was up for it, with no interest charge. The deal was done and Buzz was purchased, along with Woody for my younger son, who like Booster*, just wasn’t as popular. (That’s Booster, not my son).

*Watch “Jingle all the way” and you’ll get it.

The point is, I had two very happy boys that year, it was pretty much all they got and was my first Christmas as a single parent, but it was my best ever. It was great going in the local pub with my mum and dad, watching all the posh kids who’s parents hadn’t been as clever to be organised. Sometimes it’s the little things in life that make the difference, especially at Christmas. The sad end to this story is my ex and the mother of my two girls, still has these dolls. I’ve asked her for them many times, but she refuses, I hope the karma in this story comes back to haunt her.