"Fat to Fittie"

When I think about friends and family no longer with us, one person who always brings a smile to my face is a cousin I had called Wayne, a bear of a man who had a fantastic sense of humour and together we had many great times. I always used tell him that when I wrote my autobiography, he’d get a whole chapter because of the fantastic stories that involved him, but none of them were quite so interesting as this one. we worked together lots on various building projects, me as the bricklayer and he was my labourer. one particular day the wind was blowing dust all around the site, that mostly seemed to end up in Wayne’s eyes, after a few hours of this he was struggling to see, so we called it a day and I drove him home. It was only when I dropped him off that I actually realised how bad it was when he walked into the hedge, completely missing the gate. “You need to get some Optrex” I told him, he turned round and looked up to the sky like Eddie Murphy in Trading places and asked “Optrex” ? Yes I replied and explained that it would clear his eyes out, If you haven’t heard of it, basically it’s a solution that you pour into a little blue eyebath, that you press to your eye and it washes out the dirt. I offered to take him to the chemists to get some but as he fumbled for the gate handle, he said it was okay and his partner would go, he made some joke about using the kids swimming goggles the next day and I drove off.

In the morning when I picked him up I’d forgot about the issue with his eyes and no mention was made during the 30 minute drive. On arrival Wayne was a creature of habit who after putting in a mix of cement, would disappear to the toilet for about 10 mins, I didn’t mind, gave me a chance to have a quick cup of tea and think about the job. I’d not noticed at first but as the hours passed, he seemed to slope off to the toilet a couple more times, I eventually asked if he was ok and had he been out drinking some dodgy beer last night that had given him the shits, I didn’t expect the reply I got. “No, he said, “It was the Optrex” ………….”Pardon” ! At first I wasn’t sure that I’d heard correct and it took a moment to process, but no, I was right, he’d actually drank it. He couldn’t get a word in for two minutes as I laughed and laughed, tears running down my cheek, the questions were many, like “didn’t you see the eyebath”? “Yes”, he said, “I thought it was a measure and had two”. Cue another three minutes of laughing.

To be fair, he took the banter well, not only for the rest of that day, but every time I told the story to whoever wanted to hear, such was the nature of the man. The only defence he ever offered was that his eyes were so bad, he couldn’t read the instructions, not sure if that actually made it worse. I wish he was here to read this blog, I know he’d love it and would want me to write more about what we got up to, for now, those stories will remain locked in my head, not sure the public is yet ready for the world of Wayne. So what’s the one piece of advice to take away from this tale and what lesson has been learned? I think it’s best summed up by the old Chinese proverb, “Man who drinks eye solution, will be cleansed for many days”.